Bahamas Recap

You bet your ass I managed to have a good time. Rachel too. How? The old fashioned way...with two-fisted stubbornness, grit, sacrifice and a beard. In the face of infected adversity, I rose to the occasion and did some things I may never do again. For the first time I left the country and braved the harsh climate of a foreign land with exotic dangers around every corner. Hero? No no, I'm just an ordinary man capable of extraordinary things.

Let's recap the stats:

Total Tylenol Consumed: 36

Fake Celebrity Sightings: 8

Real Celebrity Sightings: 0

Stingrays Molested: 26

Towel Animals Ruined: 1

Cockroaches Hidden in my Bath Towel: 1 too many

Persians in Speedos: 6

Total Airports Visited: 3

Weirdest Room Service Request: Jello...and a plate of salt packets

Best Photo that'll never see the Light of Day: Me and a Pirate Dolphin Embracing

*Special Thanks to Grace and Jason for getting married even though I missed it, Rach for inviting me, Norwegian Cruise Line for stacking their boat with the most fascinating cross section of civilization possible, and myself for living the dream.

Round Trip Ticket to Germ Warfare: Day 3

The final island stop led us to a small cay owned by the cruise line. Yep, OWNED by the cruise line. It was crawling with families, old jewish ladies, and drunk euro trash. I loved it. As an added bonus, I was feeling deathly ill only to a minimum degree at this point. We were free to eat, drink, swim, snorkel and be merry to our heart's desire all day long.

I only cared about one thing: parasailing. We got in line early and headed out to open water on the boat. After a bit of anxiety, we finally got strapped in and what followed was 5-7 minutes of an honest feeling of complete freedom. Despite being 600 feet in the air I felt as though I could let myself go and falling would result in absolutely no adverse effects. It was amazing. Over open water, my fear of heights was completely shattered.

The rest of the day was a breeze. Despite still not being able to drink, I was able to eat a delicious assortment of melons. Several relaxing swim sessions followed and we headed back to the boat around dusk feeling totally satisfied with our tropical excursion.

Round Trip Ticket to Germ Warfare: Day 2

After sleeping a total of 3 hours, we hit Nassau island. I was out of bed and full of beans. Today's unbridled recklessness was taking us to the sandbar known as Blackbeard's Cay for a snorkel sesh with some legitimate bottom-feeding, water sucking Stingrays

(with deadly barbs removed, of course.).

After a 30 minute ferry ride we arrived at the well groomed beach and did what any self-respecting tourist would do: we grabbed the first lounge chairs in sight and offered our pale skin to the blazing deity in the sky.

Obviously snorkeling with weird looking sea demons came next. When it came time to grab hold of our new friends, I relished the opportunity. It was like holding a big aquatic pizza that would die if its gills breached the surface. Tremendous. The animal wrangler decided that near death makes a great photo op, so we were treated to a Stingray vomiting water in a vain attempt to breathe. Yay!

We polished off the day with more lounging and then...shopping. So much crap for tourists, and so little patience on my end. Nearing death, I blew off Senior Frogs and survived another day of blissful vacation. Cheers to Rachel my traveling companion (the one in the bikini) for not throwing my depressing carcass overboard.

Round Trip Ticket to Germ Warfare: Day 1

At long last, the epic narrative of my vacay begins here.

Digest slowly.

For those of you unaware, this was a cruise from Miami, FL to the Bahamas with three Island stops. By the time we left port I had already experience chills, a fever, a swollen neck, some vomiting, and a cockroach take residence on top of my head. After sleeping through a friend's wedding, I was barely ready to tackle a vacation. Weak and weary, I left the boat on the first stop with fists clenched and viral combat coursing through my body.

The first island was Grand Bahama. According to our guide, there's barely a remnant of indigenous people, plant life, and animals. Cheers.

After seeing the beaches where the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels were filmed, we set off on a leisurely kayak run through a mangrove forest. Our group was an eclectic mix of helpless elderly folks who took extra care in getting their kayaks stuck and arguing the physics of paddling.

Our next stop was a secluded beach in Lucaya National Park. After failing to be able to swallow anything solid, we did some frolicking in the warm, clear water. It was amazing until I failed to maintain vertical balance. With my strength all but a memory, we headed off to see some caves.

By this time I was excited for this unexpected portion of our excursion.

Caves are cool shit.

The world's smallest second wind got me through the rest of the afternoon and we finally made it back to the room where we were greeted by the cutest rabbit made out of towels you're likely to see this century.

Momentum

This cult needs more followers. We're taking it up a notch.