The Assassination of Keith Vance by the Coward Elliot Greenman

Plot Synopsis:

Two doves are mortal enemies, they're grizzled and brooding, TOUGH.

At a final showdown they shoot each other, ending their blood feud once and for all.

The question is...

HOW DO WE GET DOVES TO HOLD GUNS?

Sharpie Banner

Several weeks ago I mentioned the genesis of some new work, including a larger poster/banner collabo on the wall. The seeds have been planted and it's growing. Pictures are forthcoming. Begin the anticipation...NOW.

Literal Definitions | The Disposal

Just a bit of waste management on Super Bowl Sunday.

Identify the mystery meat and win a prize!

Bahamas Recap

You bet your ass I managed to have a good time. Rachel too. How? The old fashioned way...with two-fisted stubbornness, grit, sacrifice and a beard. In the face of infected adversity, I rose to the occasion and did some things I may never do again. For the first time I left the country and braved the harsh climate of a foreign land with exotic dangers around every corner. Hero? No no, I'm just an ordinary man capable of extraordinary things.

Let's recap the stats:

Total Tylenol Consumed: 36

Fake Celebrity Sightings: 8

Real Celebrity Sightings: 0

Stingrays Molested: 26

Towel Animals Ruined: 1

Cockroaches Hidden in my Bath Towel: 1 too many

Persians in Speedos: 6

Total Airports Visited: 3

Weirdest Room Service Request: Jello...and a plate of salt packets

Best Photo that'll never see the Light of Day: Me and a Pirate Dolphin Embracing

*Special Thanks to Grace and Jason for getting married even though I missed it, Rach for inviting me, Norwegian Cruise Line for stacking their boat with the most fascinating cross section of civilization possible, and myself for living the dream.

Round Trip Ticket to Germ Warfare: Day 3

The final island stop led us to a small cay owned by the cruise line. Yep, OWNED by the cruise line. It was crawling with families, old jewish ladies, and drunk euro trash. I loved it. As an added bonus, I was feeling deathly ill only to a minimum degree at this point. We were free to eat, drink, swim, snorkel and be merry to our heart's desire all day long.

I only cared about one thing: parasailing. We got in line early and headed out to open water on the boat. After a bit of anxiety, we finally got strapped in and what followed was 5-7 minutes of an honest feeling of complete freedom. Despite being 600 feet in the air I felt as though I could let myself go and falling would result in absolutely no adverse effects. It was amazing. Over open water, my fear of heights was completely shattered.

The rest of the day was a breeze. Despite still not being able to drink, I was able to eat a delicious assortment of melons. Several relaxing swim sessions followed and we headed back to the boat around dusk feeling totally satisfied with our tropical excursion.